So you’ve met Mr. Almost Perfect. Charm like the new age Casanova complete with funny jokes, wit, and the body and face you only imagined in the dizziest of your daydreams. And to add kerosene to fire, he actually seems like he wants a relationship with you. And I’m not talking about the puppy love or hit hit and run love. I’m talking about that falling asleep on the phone and texting you first thing in the morning; sharing hopes, dreams, aspiration and adventure…you know the sort of stuff you see in 90ies romantic movies. But there is just one problem, no matter how much in love you think he might be, you aren’t the number one priority in his life.

In Igbo we have a saying ‘Nnma nowke bu ego’ya’. This literally translates that a man’s beauty is his money. Contrary to popular conception or should I say misconception, not a lot has actually changed in ‘mate finding’ since we lived in caves. Surely the secondary requirements have evolved to fit in with 21^st century living, but the base primary instincts still remain very much the same. Women are attracted to security and men are attracted to support.

Men are fully aware of the fact that the more secure we are, the larger our options when it comes to picking a mate. We also know that while a lady might be hopelessly in love with you, over time a lack of security (which is politically correct way of saying money to make women not appear like gold diggers) will throw a spanner in the engine of the relationship. Social expectations on a woman to be successful is just as low as social expectation for a man to be domesticated. This is not to say there are no expectations, just saying the word ‘househusband’ hasn’t got the same ring as ‘housewife’. I have never heard a woman referred to as a ‘loser’ for not being financially successful. Try to imagine the TLC song No Scrubs focused on women…no guy cares if you still live in your mother’s house. It removes no value to your dating capital.

So what am I saying? If you meet a guy that hasn’t quite established his financial security, please try to understand that a relationship will not be his priority because we see security as an essential tick box to be checked off before a relationship can be taken to the next level. This isn’t to say the guy has to be already settled and balling, just saying he has to be at least able to support himself at the very least. My advice is that instead of making the guy feel horrible for picking his ambitions over you (complaining about not spending enough time because he has other things to do and all the other ways women guilt trip us for trying to make a living), make yourself useful by providing support and encouragement and I’m not just talking about lip service. We can tell the difference.

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