Previous Episodes –  The House I,  The House II  The House III, The House IV, The House V ,The House VI , The house VII, The house VIII,  The house IX, The house X,  The House XI, The House XII, The House XIII

SESANI no fit cry, I shouldn’t be the one coming here on a date. It should be Loco na! So they can smoke the whole house down. I had accepted my fate and kept my composure when she asked me to come in. I looked around the room..pretty neat and tidy though. Her apartment was a one room self-contain which had a bathroom and toilet in a corner and a mini kitchen in the opposite corner. Kill me, what was she doing with a 42’inch LCD on the wall though? Omo, dis one go sweet to dey watch premiership and champions league o abi to even play PS for. The babe even get DSTV and one bad LG home theatre. Chei, this is what I call living large. Her bed was laid out flat on a red rug. Neatly arranged books and magazine in a corner which also had a table and a chair. On the table was exhibit A (an ash tray half filled with ashes) and exhibit B (two wraps of kush). And looking right up, I saw a split AC hanging up top. Lobatan, dis girl dey chop life..aiye Philadelphia. Life wey my granpapa and granmama no chop. I took off my kicks at the door.

“So what should I offer you? This being the first time you are coming to my room”..She asked with a smile. Chei, if this girl smile ask for Boka head on a silver platter, I wouldn’t even think twice o.“Haa..anything you give me, I would accept”..“Come on jor, don’t form for me”..she bursted out laughing.“I am not forming even if its garri, cold water and good roasted fish. I would accept”..omo, if she gives me that true true, I go chop am o. My stomach just remind me say I never chop today. What kind of day is this turning out to be, ehn?“Ok, I know what to get you”, she said as she turned around and headed to her kitchen. Abi she don cook down ni? Haa, I would say prayers for her ehn that God would have to shut me up sef ni. I pulled up the chair and sat down. She came back almost immediately with a bottle of grey goose vodka. Oh no no, this couldn’t be happening. I couldn’t drink on empty stomach then I noticed she had a pack of hobnobs also. I for fear but all these wasn’t the reason I was here na. Sesan, be patient, be patient. She placed the vodka on the table before me with a cup and went back to get a plate to pour out the hobnobs on. Leaving me to help myself, she popped up on the bed stretching those long legs of her out on the rug.“So what new Danielle steele book have you read lately?”..Abeg, remind me who be Danielle steele again o?…….

BODEWork work work!! Finally! I have something to wake up each morning to. Not waking up to these boys always making noise and talking jargons. I got out my travelling bag, time to sort out working clothes. Would need to get a few new ties but I could still manage with the one I’ve got for the first month. At least till I get salary. Hmm that reminds me, need to call mum o and tell her the good news. Anyhow, would do that when I’m on my way to see Latifah. I felt like screaming out with joy but in this house do that and they may think you have gone mad. Wait up! I had not made plans for the most important part of the night. Shit! I dropped all my clothes on the bed and hurried out the door. Started walking in a fast pace up to aso rock. Don’t know why these days the compound always seem deserted. All the better for me.I got to Aso rock door, took a deep breathe and knocked. No one answered, haba na. They couldn’t have gone out this early to work na. It was just past five. I knocked in hope again then mother luck had favor on me as someone answered.“Who be dat?!”…darn, all these girls were sure an uncultured bunch. What was I getting myself into?..ehn. The door came open and one of the girls they called Mimi stepped out.“Yes, wetin you dey find?”..She asked with a raised eyebrow.“Eerrm sorry, I am looking for Yemisi”“Yemisi!!! Customer dey find you oo!!!” She shouted back into the room.“No, no I’m not a customer o. I am Sesan’s cousin”..I quickly attempted to correct her. She didn’t even reply me..just turned and walked back inside as Yemisi came up with a towel wrapped around her. Hmm was someone in there with her ni?“Mimi, you no well oo, na Bode you dey call customer? Na Sesan cousin na”..She laughed out.“Ehen, as I no sabi am nko?” Mimi yelled from within.Yemisi shook her head and turned to face me.“How far na?”..She said almost in a whisper“I’m good. I just came to check up on you if you would be around tonight”“Hmm e go hard o because I’m going out and na around midnight I go come back”Fuckup..but not too much sha as I remembered I was seeing Latifah later dis evening.“We fit make am tomorrow morning. All these girls dey go out. Na only me go dey room”“Tomorrow morning would be tight for me. I want to start sorting things out for work”..actually Sesan would be around tomorrow morning was my excuse“Haa, you don dey work ni?”..She asked in surprise.“No not yet but I’m resuming on Monday”..“Oga oo, you don turn big boy o. Which place you go dey work?”..“One oil company like that”…no need for the name, sure she couldn’t know it.“Hmmm how we go dey do am now? Shey you fit afford hotel? Make we go dey fuck for outside? We fit dey do am overnight”..She proposed.Overnight? My dick went crazy at the proposal!

SESANForty five minutes spent gisting with Seyi and I was counting black dots. The vodka had gotten to me, Seyi on her part had lit up another kush and had been blazing for the last fifteen minutes. Was it not meant to be Roll it, light it, puff it, pass it ni abi which kain stingy girl be this? I sure could use some smoke right now.“So seriously, if they asked you to pick between Harry Potter movies and Pirates of the Caribbean. Which would you go for?”..“Haa what sorta question is that? Jack sparrow baba!”..Wetin concern me and Harry potter though I had watched all seven of it.“Typical Nigerian, you just follow the masses! How can you pick pirates of the Caribbean before Harry potter? The more Sequel pirates of the Carribean got, the less quality it had! Harry potter was dope from the first movie to the seventh”, She hissed and took a drag from her joint. I had gotten off the chair a while back and was laying beside her on the bed. She still kept her sitting posture. Blurred vision coming on but those legs didn’t lose any of their appeal. Chei, imagine standing doggy for bathroom with the girl. An the spirit said to me, Sesan be a man and grab what’s yours! Yes its right fully mine. After all the wahala I have done today. Imagine o, I even wore my Adidas Gazelle. Since I don buy the sneakers, na only once I don wear am. You see, I’m right..na the yeye spirit talk again. Must be the Holy Spirit because that’s the only spirit I have actually heard of. And the lord said, peace be still and the room was quiet. Reach out your hand and feel those bare legs, Sesan…..she is high too and very possibly Horny. You know nothing beats high sex. This is the lord your God speaking. And I reached forth and touched base.“Jeez!” Seyi shouted as she jumped up.Now I wasn’t hearing the spirit’s voice again and I could see clearly now the rainbow’s gone.“What’s wrong?”..I asked. Meself get problem o, I touch girl I dey ask what’s wrong. Too much vodka o.“I’m sorry I don’t do this sort of thing” She answered.“Hmmm what sort of thing? I only touched your legs”.. Chei, I never even rub the legs. Na just touch.“Hmmm Sesan, you don’t understand”“Understand what? Make me”“Errrrr ok. Its no biggie but I’m a dyke”Wetin dyke mean again o? I don see that word somewhere before. Sesan oo. As if she could read my mind, she helped me out.“I mean I only do girls”..the vodka first do reverse for my eyes.“You are a lesbian?” Just for confirmation.“Yes I am”Which kain life I come so oo? Why today of all days. Why me? Why? Tell me. Why? I slowly picked up the vodka and took a gulp.“Sesan, are you ok? You have a problem with it?”..She asked with concern. No o, no problem..I no got straf today, na wetin she don tell me so abi?“Yeah I am fine. It’s nothing. You just didn’t look the type”She laughed and smile and suddenly the smile didn’t look so appealing anymore.“I know, right. Ok now Avril Lavigne or Kelly Clarkson, who’s better?”Avril lavigne and Kelly Clarkson ko, Obesere and Pasuma ni!

BOKAI just iron Uti clothe wey remain for my room siddon dey think about my life. Which kain wahala I con put myself so. At least Uti no beat me but the condition wey he put me be like death penalty. I go dey pay am ten thousand naira every month for the next five months and I go dey wash and iron him clothes. Me, a whole Boka the Messiah. I don suffer. Make I go fetch water bathe find place play go. I go reason how to deal with Sesan later. I comot pick bucket for door, I wonder where everybody dey waka go these days. As I dey stroll go well, I see two people dey talk for front of Aso rock. As I look well, I just see say na Yemisi and Bode. Yemisi sef look up see me, she just turn face hiss. God go punish am. But wait o? Wetin Bode and Yemisi fit dey talk. Abi? Oh no! So na him cousin Sesan dey send to negotiate him own share with the girls.I pause for road, think whether make I go confront them but quickly waka like say I still dey go well. As I waka pass the block see say them no fit see me, I drop bucket come tip toe near the block so I go fit hear wetin dem dey talk. God don catch them today.

THE HOUSE XV

Written by BASS @OlumiCFC

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