The fake world of Facebook. A world where anything and everything exists. A world where no one is ever themselves. A world where men and women parade themselves to be something that they are not and maybe would never be. A world where men can deny their families in order to come off as being single, so that they can get the next “desperate” woman in their beds.

These men deny their wives and children and for what? “Ojukokoro.” What is wrong in you telling a young lady you fancy “hey girl listen, I like you, but I have a family and I do not mind having you as an addition.” As in, what is wrong in giving the young lady that choice? You see, these men join different groups just to woo unsuspecting women into their beds. They have been through the whole of  Facebook and have become a story; lingering in the whispers of people’s inboxes.

Some hide their identity to get money from women; just to buy all kinds of Hermes and Timberland boots in a country where there is not even a need for any kind of boot(sigh); just for “effizy “sake. And the Facebook girls, the ones with the long Malaysian hair who probably have not eaten for three days. Yes it is all fine and dandy that you had to sleep with Alhaji to make some money, but even with that, you are not yourselves. You turn Facebook and Instagram into your personal run way.

Your poor parents probably think you are in school or at work doing what they sent you to do; which is to study or earn a living. You are parading the streets carrying Louis Vuitton expensive enough to feed a small village, eating strawberries and drinking milk that you do not even like; just because you want to impress people you do not know. You cannot pay your house rent, or even donate a kobo to the homeless; but the make up on your face is enough to melt into a paint bucket and paint the lanes on the streets.

Shior, who are you deceiving? You have never left the shores of Nigeria, but the British seem to be the ones needing a lesson on accents from you.  Your name is Chimamanda but you call yourself Amanda. You no dey fear GOD? Okay what does Amanda mean? Hold it! I don’t even want to know

Facebook, the only place some people feel the need to tell you what to do. As in everyone starts playing the adviser role without pay. The only place where Nigerians would report your profile just for having a different opinion from you. Especially with the last  election that was carried out in Nigeria; I saw human beings, people’s fathers and mothers acting a fool over two “politrictians”.

Politicians that do not even know that you exist. Friendships were lost and people almost lost their minds; over what? I have no idea! I am sure Mark Zuckerberg and his Facebook team are getting tired of the nonsense. In fact you lot should be banned from using Facebook, so you can go on Twitter and deal with the 140 words or less. That will teach you some discipline.

The same people telling you how to feel and run your wall cannot take the same being done to them. A media of hypocrites, a media of people who talk the talk but do not walk the walk. You post a status update and the trolls resurrect and become keyboard gangsters; attacking you for your opinion. You post a picture of yourself; then they take you to their inbox coven to discuss how horrible you looked, but would come on your wall to congratulate you on how much weight you lost and how on point your make up looks. Even men do these things too.

I had to excuse myself off an inbox chat once because of one man’s pettiness over being blocked. Why are you worried about being blocked. If you earned it; then why cry? Is the person’s wall that important to you? I have been blocked even by my good friend, but I was not worried. I believe I earned it. Why? I told her off for being an ass(sigh)

Some Nigerians can never give anything  rest. We go on social media and become judges. We judge everything a person does, we forget to respect privacy and family. Okay take for instance, President Muhammad Buhari’s wife wore a wrist watch to her husband’s inaugural ceremony and for some odd reason, someone saw it fit to zoom in the watch and googled the price. Like for real? Is that part of the 99 problems that you have? I saw some men hating.

Hian, why don’t you learn to take care of your woman and buy her Cartier watches? Please do me a favor and ask your wives or girlfriends how much that Channel cross body contraption they are carrying costs. And to the ladies, you guys were just obviously hating, haters unite! You know you would rock the fake one if given. You would even lie that you know the manufacturer. Instead of hating, work hard to earn yours please. Or take the design to Aba and have them make a Nigerian version.

Jokes apart, we can start our own line of wrist watches and bags. Some of you carry bags worth more than her watch, bags worth money that can pay for your house rent because chances are; you are still squatting with friends. Or you could even help to move your parents out of that face me I face you house that they are living at. You talk about others and their life styles, yet you have none.  If  I were that Alhaji you sleep with, I for take koboko flog you well; make you for get sense. Using money to build your swag, yet your voice is louder when others want to turn up too.  Shior!

Facebook, a world of only “intellectuals” Na only smart people dey Facebook o. No jokes! Every one feels the need to sound smart. They always want to comment on things that they have no business commenting on; things that they do not understand. They want to prove to everyone that they are educated. They want to show the last worth of their parents tuition. Please keep quiet, we do not care! You are actually beginning to sound annoying.

The political wordsmiths and the oversabi wannabes’. You sit online and discuss politics and people’s lives, it doesn’t even end there. You seem like you need a job or why don’t you just retire to your village and get busy farming. Rumor has it that Buhari made some of his money through farming. May be then you could afford a Cartier wrist watch for your wife. You sabi how to do Facebook celebrity, as if you pay your bills with that. Don’t you have school fees to pay for your kids or something? Get to farming!

There is also the league of marriage counselors. The ones who have that invisible degree with their perfect lives; giving girls and women advice on Facebook. Listen, just because I suffered a stomach ache and cured it Maalox, that does not mean the next person who suffers a stomach pain should drink Maalox. They may have a ruptured appendix and need surgery. Your marriage or relationship is not a yardstick for everyone with marital issues. You cannot parade yourself as the perfection of marriage and have people follow you blindly.

I have a few friends who are quite honest with their relationships and marriages. They would tell you hey this is what it is, follow your heart, seek a professional and talk to yourself. In fact, my friend, Mercedes, gets angry at people who think she is perfect. I remember her telling off someone for telling her that she must have a perfect marriage; because she always says it “There are days that I cannot stand my husband” And for those words alone she has my respect.

Facebook,  the world where you can be  somebody and nobody

Shior!