For every engagement ring you get, every “HE PROPOSED!!! #loveontop #weddingbells” caption you type and every wedding picture you post on social media and tag Bella naija/naija weddings, there’s probably another girl, just like you who wishes she had what you have or maybe one or two who find you ugly because they wish your man was theirs. So while you sit back relax and enjoy your victory, there just might be another woman proving to your man that “variety is the spice of life” (and you know when you cook food without spices…I’m not going to eat).

Even though we are always so quick to judge and insult the average side-chick, we must realize that they are just like us, they live and walk amongst us, they work with us and sometimes they are us. The side-chick is a complex individual whom no one ever takes a moment to understand. Most of us usually just write her off as “thirsty” or “pathetic” but the side-chick is not just the second option; she’s also a human being. From the “stalk your Instagram, draw a big red X on your pictures and arrange to have you beaten” type to the “low-key, no expectations. I’m just having fun” type, side-chicks have been steady destroying relationships for years. And since they say sharks don’t like to kill humans, they just mistake you for a fish due to their poor vision, it’s safe to assume that side chicks don’t like to destroy relationships, they just mistake your man for an Eritrean citizen and assume he should have two wives anyways

While some women are unaware of their “side-chick” status, (maybe because she’s too in love to notice the signs, or the guy is boyfriend #2 and boyfriend #2 is supposed to be her subject anyways) some ladies are perfectly conscious of it, she knows she’s the side-chick and she chooses to remain by his side, never to be taken out on public dates, never to be introduced to his friends and family. These type of women simply do it for the benefits or in the hope that one day they’ll be promoted to “main-chick” status. Whatever rocks their boat though, it’s important to understand the psyche of the side-chick and see things their way, maybe then we won’t be so hard on them (I doubt it though).

First of all, it is important to understand that no one will ever go into a relationship that has no prospects or benefits. As human beings, our nature causes us to seek the benefits in any opportunity before we go into it. It’s the same for the average side-chick, she will only make your man her own when he has something to offer (care, MONEY!!!, sex etc.). So maybe it’s your man’s fault by offering her something, maybe it’s not really her fault that she’s eating some of your cake, no one refuses free cake. He has offered her something and she’s simply taking it (she’s trying not to be rude). “She was single and lonely when she met Daniel, he was fun to be with and always dishing out free advice (Steve Harvey alert). He kept spending time with her even though he had a girlfriend and she knew. As time passed, she got too used to him and just couldn’t let him go. She accepted to be the side-chick cos Daniel was giving her everything anyway. Who can blame her?”

Another thing we fail to notice is that the side chick is the prize. Ideally, a lad should be good enough for her man, but the fact that he needs to get a side-chick means that there’s something more he needs that he can’t get from his girl. So he chases after the side-chick and keeps going back. The side-chick starts to believe she’s more important after it’s your man who keeps coming for her, it means she’s doing something better than you. She’s a threat to you, a danger, something your man shouldn’t have yet he keeps coming back for an addiction- these thoughts give her a thrill. Everyone loves to feel needed. “Susan goes through his timeline consistently, she sees how pretty his wife is, how much he talks about her, how he paints her as the perfect girl. Yet every evening, on his way back from work, he’s stopped by her house for some (real) action before he goes home to his wife. She realizes that if she doesn’t make him happy, his wife will pay for it, he will probably be cranky all night. She sees how she’s more important in the threesome and how his wife’s happiness depends on her. She’s the prize, so she stays that way.”

I wonder if people realize that being a side-chick is actually very convenient. It’s like having cake without having to bother about the messy butter icing. You get everything girlfriends get (maybe even more) without the stress, mess, and complications that come with relationships. You don’t have to feel bad when he doesn’t call or bother where he’s at or who he’s with. You don’t have to worry that he won’t come home (cos he’s home ain’t yours anyway) or that he’s lying or cheating on you (really??? You’re just mean). You don’t have to pretend to care, don’t have to listen or pretend to be interested. And best of all you don’t have to bother if the relationship is heading somewhere (cos you know it’s going nowhere). It’s like eating all the junk you want without the fear of getting fat. “Because staying indoors all the time gets boring and he can’t afford to be seen with her in public, Chris always takes his side-chick out of town to exotic locations to chill. She gets all the expensive treats and gifts and doesn’t have to pay for anything. She can be slutty and greedy cos she’s not trying to impress him. Chris loves a sexy woman who dance, so he gives her huge cash gifts and all she has to do is stay in shape and give a mind-blowing lap dance, so he keeps showing up for her, since he’s “career woman” wife too serious to dance and is already out of shape after all the childbearing. Chris gives his side-chick everything and has little expectations, so she doesn’t have to bother about anything. She’s living the life.”

Most times breaking up a relationship can be really awkward and difficult, not with a side-chick. When the relationship is ending, it simply just fizzles out or he stops coming. There’s no awkward breakup convo or crying after he’s gone. It’s that simple. She has enjoyed all the pros of the relationship and doesn’t even have to go through the rigors of breaking up. The side-chick is the real MVP. While main chicks have to form excuses for breaking up and feel bad when they are dumped, the side chick simply just alerts his girlfriend/wife and be sure that he’ll be too angry to come back and when she’s the one getting dumped, the only sadness she will feel will be the loss of a steady income source. “After 6 months Aisha was ready to dump him. Being the side-chick it didn’t take much. She bought a new sim card, found his wife’s number on his phone, and sent her some pictures and that recording they made playfully where he claimed she was the one for his wife is just a boring old nag, on WhatsApp. Well, that was it. He got back home went to a scorned woman with no idea how his secret was revealed. He called Aisha the next day and narrated the ordeal, she acted sadly and insisted she wasn’t safe anymore since his wife was now aware, he started to beg and promised to become the best security agent she had ever seen, but that was it. Simple, harsh and effective.”

After reading this, some people might start to lust after the side-chick position. Don’t nurse such thoughts. Truth is, while these might be the things that occur in the mind of an average side-chick, in reality, they are being deceived. The average “Yoruba demon” knows how to make a girl feel she’s the only girl in the world (Thank you Rihanna), but he’s just manipulating her for his own predatory satisfaction. And btw, who enjoys being second place anyways??? I’ll rather be Usain Bolt in a world where a man has a girlfriend and a side-chick, he’s his side-chick’s boo but he’s the girlfriend’s boyfriend #2, cos his girlfriend has another boo and she’s her boo’s side-chick, his side-chick too has a boyfriend #2 and she’s the main chick in that relationship cos boyfriend #2 had a side-chick too…and the cycle of madness continues.

This article was first published on Savvy Magazine