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What more can I say? Scrolled down my BBM contact list and discovered the girl from BADOO had deleted me

*sighs*

Just when I was still considering to pay the N5,000 sef.

Peeps had criticized me for saying giving a lady N1,000 tfare is too much. Get this straight, any “Lady” coming to pay u a visit whether cordial or for sex would come prepared and even turn down any money you give her (tried it a few times). And a lady that accepts really isn’t worth it”. Though not saying you shouldn’t be a gentleman and get her a cab. #MyOpinion.

You know that smile that draws up on your face when a girl sends you a DM on twitter. The one on my face was twice as huge when I got mine. Strangely whenever I am dm-chatting with a girl, I usually go to check how many followers she’s got to know if I’m wasting my time. Anyway miss cutie here is a student of U.I and had seen me tweeting about Ibadan’s funny weather. After dropping my usual “just moved to Ibadan and no friends” line. She accepted my offer to hook-up in the evening.

Guess I’d better head to Dayo’s place to burn time (he’s d only male pal I have got in Ibadan) picked up my BB charger. Got to his house and getting down from the bike, the usual scenery hit me (he lives in one of those houses called “HOSTEL” in this case his place is filled with “LEAD CITY” students. If you visit around 7-10am, your eyes would be treated to different shape and sizes of girls walking around with bum shorts and tops, no bras underneath).

Back to reality, I walked to room 17 and knocked, I looked at the floor and noticed a pair of female sandals (obviously I had chosen the wrong time to visit). I was about turning around and leaving when the door opened and a girl came out. Greeted me with a huge smile on her face (hmm Action Dayo!), wore her sandals and left. She was quite unattractive, seriously…could bet her chest had only her nipples covered with bra..no boobs at all (well Dayo never had any taste in women sha) so I’m not surprised. I entered the room and was welcomed with his usual shouts of “Mayo, Boss mi” (yeye boi, he was working and earning better money, I was still hopping okadas).

“How far?”

“Omo, I gentle oo. (Why won’t he be gentle, he just spent the whole night fucking).

“Mayo chill, make I sharply buy something 4 outside”

“Sure”

He got a shirt on and went out, I dropped my charger and fell on d bed (hope he sha didn’t discharge on d bed, it was a nice cozy self-contain apartment…room, kitchen, bath/toilet. And the bed was the only thing on the rug to sit on). Let him come back and get his gen on, wanna charge jare..got some messages to reply on BADOO.

“Mayo, if I tell u wetin happen last night ehn” ..He started as he entered back with a bottle of Reagal gin and 2bags of lipton (oh dear).

“Wetin happen”..I wasn’t really in the mood for stories jare. He didn’t answer as he proceeded to the kitchen. Opened the reagal and dropped the lipton in it (boiz would tell you this is a perfect mixture to help prevent malaria, in reality, it’s just gin jare!).

Brought out 2 small tumblers and poured his…gave me the 2nd cup (*Sighs* I have never been a fan of gin but you just have to honour your host #BroCode).

“You see that girl this morning ehn”..

Of course I had seen her, did this boy forget she was the one who opened d door?.

“She be Busola friend oo” (dis isn’t going to be good, Busola was a girl Dayo had met on 2go and she was pregnant with his child. 3rd child actually, he has got 2 kids with 2 different ladies. One in Lagos and one here in Ibadan. Shocking,right?)….that’s the kind of life Dayo was living.

“She be Busola friend and she come see you early morning for wetin?” (I was forming stupid, always nice to let people see you that way). Took my first sip of the gin.

‘” Early morning ke? Boi, she sleep overnight ni ooo. I comot wit my friends last night as I close from work, we go drink. Of which me and Busola get fight at the moment. As we drink beta dey go, my eye don dey tint. I dey reason make I go queen cinema go carry Olosho (yoruba word 4 prostitute) wey I go fuck. Na im call enter oo”

I unbuttoned my top 2buttons. The gin had obviously turned my body temperature up a notch.

“Wetin con happen?’ I asked

“Na dis girl call me…..she say she wan see me…talk to me about our fight. I sha look time, see say na around 9pm. I just bone sha, drive go pick am for wey she talk say she dey”.

“You go pick am? Shebi na talk she wan talk, you go pick am go where?..’” I adjusted myself on the bed. Obviously gin with Dayo’s story isn’t a good combo.

“Cool down, (he knew I wanted the full gist) I go pick am bring am come house. As we enter, I lock door put key for pocket. We sha sit down and she begin talk, beg me say make I forgive and take care of Busola”.

Seriously my whole body system was on fire. D gin had really taken over.

“She sha talk till around that 10.. She con talk say she wan dey go house. I just dey look am as she go door see say I don lock am and no key dey the hole. She con ask me for key, me wey eye don tint and konji dey body. I just tell am flat say I wan fuck am”.

Holy pyjamas, Dayo has really gone mad. Or probably I didn’t hear what he was saying properly.

“She first dey beg me, then later wen I tell am say if she like make she shout sef…everyone for the compound na mind ur business. She con comport tell me say na only 1round I go fuck oo. Ask me if I get condom, I sharply carry bed up, pull out 2condoms.”

Like seriously?! I was now sweating seriously. Sipped the gin again tho..

“Mayo, as I pull the girl pants down, put my dick inside am (her pussy), na so, condom burst” …(Buhahahaha, Dayo is mad!).“Serious? Wetin u con do?”…my stomach was really on fire, the gin had turned over my whole system.

“Bobo, I fuck am like that ooo. The girl pussy tight die, na so she put legs round me begin dey give me correct ringtone”…

   On any normal day, his story would be giving me a hard-on but right now my stomach was upside down…sweating like a lamb been led to slaughter.

   “When I go release like this, I pour everything inside am”…. (My padi is really sick, he obviously wants more kids).

“Why she no con go house when una straff finish?”

“The girl na don kolo jare….she say she enjoy am say she wan sleep over since time don go but say we no go fuck again…I no argue with am…around 1am wey I don even dey sleep, na she carry my dick dey play with am…con begin ride am…d girl kolo gan”.

    “Bobo, I dey go toilet!”…I stood up and marched to the toilet..sat down.

“But wait ooo! How you go con do Busola parole?  Shebi you talk say na her friend?!”.I shouted from the toilet.

“Chill na…….make I finish. When morning reach, na so the girl begin cry ooo say I don make am betray her friend”

Buhahahahaha, I laughed and almost fell off d toilet seat!

“I sha beg am say make she no vex, say na konji finz. She dey cry I dey pet am..con ask am say how I fit make am up to am. She say she go think and let me know”

     Why do I get d funny feeling I know where this is gonna end? Cleaned up, got outta the toilet.

              “Bobo, abeg put on PS make I flog you small.”

     I picked up the PS pad on the floor, time to burn time. My phone rang, checked the caller ID…..turned out to be Miss Cutie (the Twitter chic) this evening’s date

       “Hello dearie”..

“Hello, Mayo ermm just wanted to ask if it was okay if I brought a friend along.”

Scratching head (Rule No 3 “When a lady’s bringing a friend along for a 1st date. Just know you have been bragged about and you are about to be examined”).

“Sure, why not”.. (Rule No 4 “Never turn down the request..sends out the wrong signal”).

“Thanks”……….call ended

“Dayo, how far? Which time you dey go work today?”…always have a plan B to counter with.

“I dey off 2day..no work. Wetin dey?

“Nufin, e get one parole wey I wan clear today and she dey come with her friend”…

“Correct, make we fall in together na”……

Yeyeboi, why wouldn’t he wanna fall in?. Game on! Time to whoop some butts….Play station I mean.

    Played soccer till around 5pm…totally lost track of time. Feeling really tired and empty…the gin effect had worn off.

“Bobo, how far? Make we dey move…go baff” I told Dayo.. Just then his phone beeped…probably a text, he bursted out laughing..

“Wetin happen?”

“Mayo, walahi girls crazy gan”

“Wetin happen, bobo?”

“Busola’s friend just send me text..she say she wan do some runz 4 school and say she need 30k”…

       Crazy! The girl obviously wanted to turn Dayo to an ATM machine, I guess that’s how she wants him to make it up to her…….My padi sharp pass this na.. Dumb girl.

I thought Dayo was a sharp guy but I was wrong, he said he’ll give the chic the money.

“Ehn!! My ears were obviously off-duty. This boy couldn’t possibly be thinking about giving her the money……….

     “I go give am 22k for now jare, con tell am say I go give am the remaining 8k next time I wan fuck am”..

“U still wan fuck am?!” The gin effect was back.

“Yes oo,the girl pussy tight die”.

“Bobo, do make we dey go jare.” This boy was really sick upstairs.

     We got into his car and he drove off.

“I see ur PM last nite, you say you wan settle down this year”..he started

“I just dey joke jare”..

“You dey hear form kate”…he always had dis obsession with my ex who he saw only once at a party.

“Yup……..I added her 4 BBM 2weeks back”..

“Oooo you wan get back with am”.

“Bobo, drive jor, these your questions don dey too much, nothing has changed. I let her go for a reason”

“Which you no tell am”…

“Ehen so, no be one yeye boi wan break up with him girlfriend, lie give am say him mama no want make e marry Edo girl after 2yrs”..

“Buhahahaha Mayo,walahi you no well again”.

We drove in silence till we got to Challenge…….the date was to be at Real Food and Wine. Looked for a nice spot to park and got down. The ever busy Challenge roundabout tho, small compared to Shitta roundabout. We went upstairs to the restaurant and picked a nice corner overlooking the road ( Rule No 4  “When going on a first date, always pick a spot where you can have a very good view of who’s coming and who’s going). Dayo ordered a bottle of Star, I ordered malt.

“You don meet the girl before?”…

“Nope, I just..” Just then my fone rang.

“Hello, Mayo. I am at challenge”

“Ok,just come to Real food n wine…am inside”. Call ended.

“Na she?”..Dayo asked.

“Yup”

We started staring out the glass partition overlooking the road. Maybe we’d catch a glimpse of the girl before she walked in. It was a guy thing. About 10mins later, 2 girls walked in. One was about 5’8, fair in complexion with an ass to die for, minimal boobs. This was definitely Miss Cutie, she wasn’t bad tho. The other girl was a bit taller at about 5’10 or 5’11, had a really nice physique matching boobs and ass and a lovely smile sha. Lucky Dayo.

“Hi, Mayo, right?”

“Yup, wow you really look more gorgeous than your Avi”..I said as I stood up…1st lie of the evenin…she looked exactly like her avi jare.

“Lol, thank you”…she giggled.

“This is my friend, Salewa” she indicated the tall girl who had a wide smile on her face.

This was going to be nice I thought to myself as I shook her hand and had them both sit down. I introduced Dayo to them and I thought I heard him say “Long time” as he greeted Miss Cutie. Probably the reagal was still working. Asked them what they wanted as we all started talking, we finally settled on Red Wine (Thank God, girls who drink beers (Star, 33, Gulder etc) are a big turn-off even if the guy doesn’t tell you).

Well turns out Salewa too had just moved to ibadan. New student at U.I..cool. About 30mins later, Dayo said he needed 2 pick something from his car (this was a cue for “Bobo, let’s plan”) and obviously the ladies too need to re-arrange strategy. He went downstairs 2mins later I excused myself and followed him.

“Bobo, how far?…..how we go do the package?” I asked.

“Mayo that girl na olosho package..”

“Huh, which one?”

“The fair one..” Was his reply. “I don carry am before for bubbles, 3k”…probably the gin was still working in his system too.

“Serious?”

“Shey I wan dey scope you ni?” No wonder I had faintly heard “long time”…Time to change plans.

“Hmmm”

“Wetin u wan con do now?” He asked

“Well, na swapping thing. Since you don fuck am before, face am…I go take on Salewa”.. With that I turned and went back upstairs.

Got back to my seat and judging by the looks on the girls’ faces, it seemed they knew formation had changed.

“So, Salewa how’s  Ibadan treating you?” I started my work…Dayo joined us about 5mins later. More drinks and chops, Dayo and Miss Cutie were deeply in a quiet conversation while Salewa was telling me all about her ambition (coz I resemble Rick ross abi)……

To cut the already long story short, Dayo excused himself and Miss Cutie followed him…said they wanted to check out something at the Cran supermarket downstairs. Hmm something wasn’t right. Time was already past 8pm. Salewa was really a nice company, we exchanged pins and I excused myself…told her I wanted 2 check up on Dayo. I went downstairs…it was already dark sef…I entered the supermarket, walked around and there was no sign of Dayo or Miss Cutie…hmm, my mind started working math! I got outta the supermarket and started walking to where Dayo had parked his car.. lmao, before I could get any closer..I could already see in the Driver seat..Miss Cutie bouncing on him.

Osanubua of the seven seas…I just stood,watched a lil then turned back.

Salewa was all smiles wen I got back..

“Did u see him?” She asked…yes I said in my mind. He and your friend (my official date are fucking in his car).

“Yea,he’s comin…” Well plan worked, he took Miss cutie, I’d take salewa. After talking 4 about 10mins…it was pretty obvious Salewa didn’t wanna spend the night out on a 1st date. Well some other time sha…coz it was pretty obvious she enjoyed hanging out with me. Dayo came back in and Miss cutie not far behind…I just kept thinking of her humping him. Smh…had some more drinks and decided to call it a night.

Miss cutie said goodnight while Salewa gave me a really big hug(like say na wetin go solve d matter b that). They left..

“Guy, that girl na confirm weyreh”.. Dayo said as we go into the car. Yes bro, tell me about it. I didn’t get laid.

“I see una na..she don fuck your life out”

“Lmao so you even come downstairs, she no even wait make I put on condom sha. I tell you say I don carry am b4”..

“Bobo, na pussy go kill you last! Sha drop me 4 junction..”…

“If I close for work tomorrow, I go buzz you make I con flog you finish 4 PS”..

“Ode for ur dreams”.

I got off at the junction and took a bike home.. Well the day wasn’t bad after-all sha. I arranged the date, he got laid. “Sighs”.

Baba God e no fair sha. Got home…paid the bike man…and walked up to the gate…pushed. No bulgin? Huh!! Gate locked…looked at the time..9:52pm

GRANDMA!!!!

…..

Written by Bass (Twitter – @Bass_ige)