The year was still fledgling when I got married to onyema obi. I was taught in the local church in Etua to live out my teenage years as a virgin. I accepted it. So I kept my legs closed for  twenty years. I battled with sexual urges discreetly. It was a tedious experience, much so because my friends flaunt their boy friends before my face.  They spat at my reclused ambition to remain a virgin.I felt like a stupid nun. I could live with that,  I knew that wasn’t old fashioned. I was proud my hymen still lives.

I learnt about sex from books. I kept my mind under control when  I see men who stare at me. My fears were genuine at that time. I was naive.

I was in my final year when a set of new corpers were posted to our school. I wasn’t excited, kowing that we were graduating in a few months time. But my friends were very happy much so because the corpers were males.

Eze Azuka is tall, dark and broad-shouldered . He spoke softly. He had a rare masculine build with elegant abs. At a distance you could feel his presence -the hitchlone circles on his chest, the blocks of abs at his abdomen and the softness of his voice. He was loved. He didn,t  put in much effort before you find girls sneaking out of his room in the early hours of the morning. Eze taught English language . He stares at me in class. I feel his gaze stays much longer than was necessary. He wasn’t  really my crush so I kept a straight face.

‘ Nnedi, you have fire in those eyes. I can feel it.’

Eze said.

I was dazed. He looked at me, his eye balls travelling round my entire body until they both settled on the baseline of my hips. His voice was magical. While he got closer, my feet trembled and the heat of sensation tickled down the oasis of my over-blown breast. His face sparkled with lust as deception reeled out of his mouth. His voice was like the sound of sex. He held my hands and the moistures on his skin cooled off my heart.

‘Can you tell me why your eyes are full of untold stories? Why you are alluring? Can I  play a role in your story? ‘

I was lost at the thrust of those questions. My hair stood out. He  looked into my eyes while his left hand held my waist. At one moment he was sitting close me at the school orchard.

With Eze another new feeling developed. It was something I had never felt before. In his presence goose bumbs crept accross my belly. His zeal gradually smash my resistance. The temple of my yearning reached its first climax. My trembling veins were soaked in his dedication. He was gentle and his soft hands moved slowly across my chest. My memories jostled the around the sermons that called our action iniquities. I gasps for breath. Eze’s fingers caught my public hair. I  ran into a distance where I drowled uncontrollably.

I was committed to onyema because he never asked for sex. He was respectful.  He taught Economics and he made it really good. My relationship with him grew stronger. I felt secured being with him. I like Eze but I am not sure what his mission was. His eyes were fill with uncertainties. I couldn’t risk having a  relationship with him.

I visited Onyema often. He left his door opened to me at any time. He proposed to me before he left Etua. Shortly after he left,I got into the university. He visited me every weekend and we were happy. He worked as an insurance broker. Onyema wants us to get married  after my graduation. I thought the idea was fine.

* * *

After the wedding we set out for the honeymoon . The hotel was glamorous with state-of-the-art facilities. Spacious car park, nice pool side, exquisite edifice, luxurious apartments and stupendous buffet. The rooms were extravagantly furnished, lightened and ventilated.

At nightfall Onyema laid like he should. I had spent all my life waiting for this night. To break my innocence with a man that I loved. Onyema tried to have sex with me, after two minutes his manhood shrunk. I was frustrated. We tried to bring it back to live that attempt made matter worst.

‘I’m sorry for this. I shall make it up, bear with me I think I need to see a doctor.’

 That night my eyes stayed opened. Tears flood my cheek. He was a one minute man! I was devastated. I thought of all possible solutions. I thought of my life and the pains I had gone through. I believed we will get rid of his ailment.

 I will be happy in the marriage.

The second night was worst. He started out fine and I thought we had overcome the ordeal . He shrunk, gnashing his teeth painfully.  At that point,I felt we needed to see a doctor. After one week of marriage my hymen still lives. Perhaps, the problem is psychological. Sometimes we think it could be spiritual.  I was in a state of doldrum as I engaged myself on series of thoughts. He was worried. I found him lost in thought each time I bunmped into him in the room. I asked whether he was born that way.

‘ You have to open up to me.’

I said.

‘ I will.’

He replied.

He still had his confidence. He told me he wasn’t born with any defect . He was equally at lost with what was happening to him right now. I believed him. I asked him if he had girlfriends in the past and what the experiences were. He never had a girlfriend. He  never bothered about sex.

 I got him a doctor.  The  diagnosis reveal he was normal. He called another doctor to run fresh test on him and the results were the same. He was fine. From that day,the thought of leaving the marriage set into my mind. It was too early in time to ask for a divorce. The law requires at least two years to go that way.

I love Onyema but the current situation came with a test to what I profess, one which I was n’t sure I will pass. I was married for a full year yet I’m still a virgin. It was an inexplicable situation.

I thought of Eze everyday. I was told he got married and now have two kids. Eze once asked to share in the stories he saw in my eyes but I declined. I never gave him a chance because his voice swept me off my feet . I smelt deception all over his lust. I regretted I never gave him a chance. How could I have known that Onyema wasn’t normal. He acted like every other guy did. He was handsome. He was intelligent with sparks smiles on his cheek always. He was every woman’s dream. I choose him for the external glamours. He was ready to wait. He didn’t demand for sex. He was good.

Onyema got a psychologist to help him. He had classes every weekend. He confessed the psychologist was good. She gave him therapies to help him out of his predicament. It worked but onyema never had sex with me still. He said he needed time as part of the therapy to work over the memories of previous failed attempts.

One morning I heard his discussion with the psychologist on phone on how he had improved tremendously. The conversation was cheerful and I felt the happiness that glowed through the isles of his of face. I was surprised because I thought if there were any improvement I should be the one to be asked. I thought Onyema was up to something. He liked surprises,perhaps he is cooking up one. But I believed this issue was too serious to build surprises around. It is about the most critical issues in our marriage.

Onyema came home one night and for the first time I found him drunk. I tried to find out what happened to him but he was to weak to give me any logical response. His phone had four missed calls from one number. It was the psychologist. I helped him through the bathroom where he showered and he went to bed. Six minutes later a text message was sent to his phone and it read thus:

 ‘ You were so good at it today. I felt like a real woman after the earth-shreading sex we just had.’

It was sent by the psychologist.I read the message all over again and again. Nothing prepared me for this and I would have sworn Onyama was faithful. I held the phone while tears flowed down my cheek. I broke down at the reality that Onyema slept with the woman who professionally submitted to help him out of impotency. I quietly walked to my room. On my bed,I stared at the slow rotation of the fan. I was lost in thought for the better part of the night. The betrayal sent a horrible anguish down the depth of my spirit. I bleed of tears, the pains that sorrounds every move I made and the disgrace I stand to face for the rest of my life. I wept bitterly that night. I thought of my friends. I remembered  Eze, the night at the garden and the deep memories of the orgies. I cried more when I remembered our journey had come to an end.

Onyema came to me that morning to explain his ordeal. I listened to him without a comment. I envied my friends who lived at the opposite end of my belief. I lost the steam that life offered. I felt thrust whiff off my heart. I died. I left the house on a long stroll. The road grew wider to welcome my troubles.The sky was peaceful. People were walking briskly to different destinations.  I saw a copyright expression on a signboard that reads thus:

‘Even if you have to die tomorrow don’t kill yourself today you can still attend your own funeral’

I thought of it. I found out that life is a big theatre of absurdity. Onyema had search for me all over the city. He thinks he has an explanation. I offered to listen and I got hurt at the details he strut.

I’m glad he is potent now but fate has put us apart.

 

Evans Ufeli is a lawyer and a writer. He has written countless stories that cuts across many genres of literature. His stories have appeared in Happenings Magazine, Granta, Connect Nigeria and Ethics Africa. He is the author of  The Gathering of The Tribe; a Novel that chronicles the lives of a people riddled with the enemies from within. He lives in Lagos Nigeria. Evans is best described as the seeker of the unknown.