I finally know you. All these while, I only knew the person you wanted me to know but tonight, I finally know you. Laying on my bed, the memories coming in swirls; sweet ones, funny ones, priceless moments. I feel this stingy pain in the upper right part of my chest – because I finally know you.

When we met, I had no idea you was the one I would give a tiny bit of my love to. Mere friends we were, until we went on that date. The date changed everything. I realized how caring you are, how loving and tender, and oh, you were so sweet. I didn’t want to let that go. Maybe I was selfish, perhaps I was greedy for your love. Yet, I was still confused as to whether to say yes or not. I said yes. Not because I loved you, but because you loved me. I felt like I could live on your love and grow to love you too. It felt easy, you make it easy to love you. To you, I was queen.

Then it got clingy, felt like I was your existence. Like I was your purpose, I tried to warn you; telling you you shouldn’t love me that way. Because that kind of love was dangerous. It was fire. No, you loved me still, and I was still leaning on that love. Wallowing in it and assured that I will love you back, I know I will. I am easy. Too easy. I didn’t.

A month after, I grew and realized such love was suffocating. I was ready to let all that love go and all mine go because it was dangerous. See, all I wanted was for us to develop, separately. I wanted to focus on my studies, to enjoy single hood, to mature until we know what safe love is. Only then, will I let you love me and I wouldn’t rely on your love. I will love you right back. So I told you. You seemed fine but you weren’t close to fine. So you showed me you.

You are insecure. Amidst all of your aura of confidence, the goofy smiles, You are who I was; Insecure. Your first girlfriend broke you because you weren’t as rich as she wanted. You say she damaged you, No, you made her damage you. And when you met me, you tried to measure up to her standards, for me. I see now why you ask me all of those questions about what I wanted in a man. You wanted to measure up to my standards, I thought, but no, you wanted to lose your ‘being’ to what I wanted. Baby, you are so insecure, it makes me cry.

You say Sam and Oyekan do not fall in love because love is for weaklings, you say you understand why they break girls heart; because wise guys do not just love girls. You say all girls are the same, that I broke your heart just as Seun did. You say you do not measure to my standards and that is why I break up. You are afraid to be with a beautiful girl, all along you were afraid to be with me, because you felt I will meet other guys who are not you and dump you. Baby, you are wrong and Sam and Oyekan are wrong too. Love is for the brave. Love is for people who are not afraid to get their heart broken because they know they will rise again. Love is for people who know God for He is love. Love is for you. So, I say to you, Sam and Oyekan are weak and incapable of loving.

I broke down in tears when I saw how miserable the breakup made you. When I saw how fast you moved from love to hate because you felt I never could have loved someone like you. Who am I? Who am I that you feel so intimidated. Am I that beautiful? The moon is beautiful and the sun is not intimidated. Am I that nice? That sweet? Why do you feel like You are not enough for me? Like you never deserved me in the first place. Me? Me with my stained canine, me with my no butt, me with my myopic eyes, me who is struggling with all of God, me with my many flaws. Don’t you even see that I broke us for us? To mend us.

So sweetheart, do not be miserable because I won’t feel guilty anymore. I can’t stop this tears even as I write and I can’t stop telling myself, ‘Look what I did to him.’ But I won’t feel guilty anymore, I will be fine. You are a special package of awesomeness. You radiate almost everything a person should be. The day you stop loving, you become a weakling. You will meet the perfect one at the right time, you will meet her and you must love. Please, don’t compare her to Seun or me. Know her for who she is and don’t be afraid to let her know you too.

Again, I’m sorry things turned out this way. I hope you don’t hate me and you realize one day that I did you one favour. For now, until we meet again, I want you to set your own standards and meet someone who has the same standards as you.

Look at me now. Two weeks after, I am being labelled. I am the girl who doesn’t care, the one who played and toyed you, the one who has her heart in various places, everyone seems to sympathise with you alone, I am being labelled. It’s now three weeks and I see you and ‘the new girl’ everywhere. The joke’s on everybody who labelled me. You’re dating her. I am not annoyed, yet I am not happy for you. Because you tell her the same words you told me, you see? You’re so insecure. But baby, you are beautiful. You just need to go love yourself

                               From the girl whose heart is broken.

Elizabeth Joshua is an introvert, quite sociable with the right crowd, dreamer, liver, lover, believer and an undergraduate. This girl is also a lover of all forms of literature, good music, exploration, politics and food.